First Day

Trauma. Stupidity. Although different, both of these words run through my mind as I lay down to sleep tonight, and both are describing my first day. One of the program directors referred to it as a "sleepy orientation day" because of the flight, a relaxed day to get settled in. I am overtired from the flight, and I know that's distorting my perception. I landed this morning around 7am in Dublin, and we were retrieved from the airport at 9am (2am and 3am at home.) Leaving the airport, baggage in tow, I was nothing but excited for my adventure, as I know I should be. It was rainy, windy, and perfectly green. Make no mistake, I am not alone on this trip, I have a good friend here with me, and someone else who I know. Everything was great, we went to the mall to get supplies, and I was happy. The scenery was incredible, walking through town carrying my bags like a local back to the university. It was all perfect, too perfect. In talking to another student, I learned that I had misunderstood the meal plan situation provided by my home school, and I would not be getting the money that I thought I could plan on for food, instead it would have to come from my parents if I needed it. I really hate this! That was enough to throw me off, but on top of that, my phone that I had expected to be set had not been unlocked internationally. As a result, I was cutoff completely from communication with my friends and family on this first day so far away, as my room lacks a WiFi connection. To put the cherry on the meltdown sundae, I have my own room at this university. For most kids, this would be a blessing, but not for me. When I am away from home I like to have other people around all the time for comfort, but this European dorm is not designed for that, giving each person his own individual private space. There are no distractions from my thoughts here, just me alone to think about them. What I have I done? Why did I leave my home, my family who loves me, and my dogs who love me, and all of whom I love so much? The world outside of my home is a beautiful place, but in the end what does it really matter what I've seen, if I've forfeited that time with my family, time that is so valuable as I grow up? If I knew I could find a flight home and not be behind in credits at Siena, I would have been home with my family by now. I pushed all of these thoughts aside, and realized if I didn't leave my room I would hate it here. I met up with a couple of friends, and we walked down the street to a small pub, where the rest of my study abroad group was. We enjoyed a couple of beers, my first one being a stereotypical Guinness, naturally. We bonded as a group together and watched the Chelsea vs. Man City soccer game with the locals. It was a great time. I sent pictures to all of my friends of the Guinness in the pub in front of the game, and it was an awesome distraction. I finally relaxed and enjoyed myself.  Now I am back, and only writing this blog because I am yet again in my room alone, reflecting on my thoughts. I tried to go to sleep, but I couldn't, I feel sick. I honestly don't think it's worth being so far away from my family for such an extended period of time, time that I can never get back. I would be ecstatic if someone told me tomorrow that my vacation was coming to an end in a couple of days, but four months is simply too long to count down. I know at this point that things will either get better, or I will be in trouble. I think I've realized that I like the idea of studying abroad much better than I actually like doing it myself.